Mental Health

Seems to be a pattern going on, huh?

More in my life in the ways of my mental health. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Seems I’ve had it for quite some time, but never knew what it was or had anyone try and figure it out, complacent with a diagnosis of just anxiety and depression.

Lately I’ve been going to an intensive outpatient group therapy based on Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It’s opened my eyes to a lot of skills that I knew existed but never practiced or maybe didn’t know how to practice. It’s put me in a group with wonderful people who support each other and never judge one another for our short comings.

There are a few other things in my life I want to talk about, but now is not the time. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll have more information that will add to the conversation, but now I’m just going to leave you with a link if you’d like to do your homework and see what BPD is all about: click here to learn more


Dealing with Anxiety and Depression

I don’t know what changed, but something did.

Well first, I got sick. It was something that was going around the office. Nasty virus that eventually turned into a sinus infection. Super fun. But then the ear infection started, and after three rounds of different antibiotics, nothing’s changed. I can hardly hear out of my right ear and although I was doing better with the virus, I’ve started getting worse again. My cough has come back, my nose will still be stuffy from time to time. It’s a nightmare. I’m headed to the ENT doctor tomorrow to see what can be done about my ear.

But that leads to my next big issue. Work. I work in a call center, which means I need to be able to hear and speak. Typing has never been a problem, but I need to hear and sometimes these people have us on speakerphone or are just very quiet. I haven’t been able to work. But it gave me time to realize that I just can’t stand working in the public sector anymore. I’ve hit a big bout of depression, akin to my very first time back during my sophomore year of college. No appetite, I sleep most of the day and when I’m awake, I’m still tired and lethargic. I have no interest in anything, don’t want to leave the house, and I’ve had at least one bad anxiety attack over the whole issue.

It’s not that I don’t want to work. Sure, I can be damned lazy when I want to be, but it’s not just that. Working in the public sector, especially retail and ESPECIALLY sales, makes me anxious and I’m so unhappy. There’s a level of unhappiness I can deal with in my job, but I dread going into work every day. Sure, I have friends there, but when you work in a call center, you hardly see them. I’m in ┬ámy own little world for 10+ hours with no access to fun websites (all I ask is for Pinterest, really) and a book. That’s it. And trust me, I love reading, but not when I can hardly finish a page without another call coming in. Quite frustrating.

I want to write and do something that actually makes me happy. I need creativity, I need a freeflow environment. And without it, it’s stifling. So although Disney wasn’t super creative and I was dealing with people (sometimes very NASTY people), it did give me a bit of creativity and being surrounded by such magic helped keep me going every day. Sure, there were plenty of days that I didn’t want to work, but my crew was amazing and we all supported each other and had so much fun on our little boat ride. Star Tours I don’t miss as much (too hot, too crowded) but Living with the Land… I’d go back in a heartbeat. Though trust me, I don’t miss Florida ONE BIT.

Feeling like this for the past week is not only inherintly exhausting, but has drained me even further. I guess I didn’t even wake up to my alarm or Sean waking me up this morning. I got plenty of sleep, but mentally I’m so drained that my body is too.

I know people have it worse than me. Of course. And they’d love to have my job. Sure. But in my unique situation, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Every time I’ve changed jobs, I’ve told myself I would never do retail, and I definitely never thought I’d do sales. But here I am, at the bottom of my personal barrel, trying to find a way out.

So in short, depression and anxiety suck. I’m depressed because I can’t stand my job and I’m anxious because money is a constant worry for us. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And I’m trying to find the best solution for me and for Sean, but it’s tough. The idea of moving back to Virginia near/with my parents has crossed both our minds, as has moving back to Florida so at least I can be close to Disney. I don’t think either are a proper solution, though I’ve entertained both ideas.

Right now it’s time to just get my mental health in order and then work from there. It might not happen tomorrow or next week or next month, but I’ll find something I love to do that can keep us afloat. And hopefully he’ll find a job that works better for him as well. Call center life doesn’t suit us.


Being an Adult

It’s been fun moving to Colorado, dealing with lower income for a while, higher cost of living, etc. But at the same time, it’s been fun. We both love it here. We have some great friends, lots of fun in our town. Plus I just got a full time job in sales at the same company Sean works for, so it’s looking up.

But I thought I’d fill you all in on what’s happened since then, including pictures.

The drive out to Colorado was long, but not terrible. Two people, lots of stuff, and two cats in one cab was tight, but not uncomfortable, especially since Binx hid under the seats the entire time. Buddy, however, quite enjoyed the view.


Yes, we shaved him and he looked like an old man. Quite funny.

Kansas was the worst. Eight hours of nothing but flat land and windmills, which were cool but got old after a while.


The desolate barren wasteland of Kansas.

As you all saw in my last post, we are all moved in and actually have a bed frame now, so our bed isn’t on the floor. Much more comfortable.

About two months ago was Denver Comiccon, the first convention I’ve ever been too, and boy was it awesome! Though I do wish we had done the full weekend instead of one day, it was so awesome! Lots of vendors, artists, celebrities. And, my highlight of the entire thing…


Stan Lee’s autograph on his graphic autobiography.

Meeting Stan Lee was awesome! Though it was only for a few seconds, watching him interact with journalists, kids, saying “Excelsior” and everything… definitely worth it. I’m so glad I got to meet him and get his autograph before he passes away.

But about a month ago, I got a text from my roommates saying that Sean was in the hospital. Now, he’s had really bad chest/stomach pain for a while, and we had gone to the ER four times total in Florida, where they did jack shit for him except manage his pain, never getting to the root of the problem. I got there maybe an hour and a half after he had been admitted, and they had already done scans, bloodwork, etc. Already, Colorado hospitals had impressed me with how quickly they work. They tell us it’s pancreatitis, and later discover large gallstones and have his gallbladder removed. He was in the hospital for about a week.


The sloth is Steve, someone to comfort him when I wasn’t around.

He’s doing much better now, with an actual appetite. He has four scars on his stomach that will hurt every so often, but he’s come a long way since his hospital stay. Thank you to everyone who has helped us out, both emotionally and financially, in such tough times.

This will be my last week working for the Boys and Girls Club, which kinda sucks and kinda doesn’t. The kids are getting antsy and rowdy now that summer’s ending, and it’s draining. But at the same time, some of those kids are so cool that I’m gonna miss seeing them every day. Especially my D&D boys. They definitely helped keep me sane when I was having rough days.

If you’d like to keep up with my life, go ahead and add me on Snapchat, send me pics or messages.



I Suck

Our bedroom

At updating, that is. I never seem to be able to remember to write much.

It’s been a while and a lot has changed. A looooot. Sean and I have moved to Colorado. We got here about a week ago and have just about finished unpacking and putting everything in it’s place. Never knew we had so much stuff. But we now have curtains, desks, bookshelves. Real adult shit. Though we’re still pretty sure we’re just five year olds trying to adult.

I now work at the Boys and Girl’s Club as a Tech Specialist. It’s really fun, though the kids can sometimes be a little, well… rowdy. Yeah, let’s go with that word. It’s not like teaching where you have a lot of control over them. In that respect it’s so much different than teaching at Nature Camp. But in a lot of ways, it’s the same. It’s only been one week on the job and I’m slowly getting used to it and gaining their respect.

I’m waiting for the downtown library to let me know that my background check came back, because I’ll be working part time there, too. Hopefully I’ll be pursuing my Master’s in Library Science so I can work there full time. Honestly, that’s my dream job right there. Librarian. I’ve always wanted to be one. Books are my favorite things and I can’t imagine a place I’d be happier. But it’ll take some work, time, and definitely money. I’m not looking forward to an increase in my loans.

We found roommates who are absolutely wonderful people. Morgan is sweet and cooks for us just about every night and Chris is just an all around awesome dude. I’m really happy we found them and they found us.

I’ll probably update with more pictures once I have them. But right now I must off to work. Toodles.


Adult Life Begins

Well, my future has changed yet again.

I no longer work for the Walt Disney World Resort. Today I turned in my blue ID and officially resigned. Reason? I start a full time job with Verizon on Monday. I was offered the job officially a few days ago and I’m so ready! This position means that I get benefits, better pay, lots of perks, etc. The big kicker was getting my own health insurance. I’m turning 24 this year and I really need to get my life together, which means getting out there on my own. So this is a big step for me.

I’m going to miss Disney a lot, but honestly, I was getting a bit burnt out from it all. Guests are so rude and sometimes the hours are just ridiculous. I do plan on getting an annual pass as soon as I can, probably by my second or third paycheck, that way I can still go to the parks whenever I want. But I’ll definitely miss the cast member holiday discount. Oh well. Time to be an adult, I guess.


The Long Road Ahead

So much has happened in the last few months.

During my DCP, I was working at Living With the Land, a small boat ride in EPCOT right next to Soarin’ (a ride which I now both hate and love thanks to the constant questions regarding said ride). I love the people I worked with there and I’m gonna miss them when I finally move in two weeks.

Where am I going, you ask? Star Tours! I am officially a part time employee of Walt Disney World Resort and am going to be working the most awesome galactic tour in Disney’s Hollywood Studios. I start training on the 14th of June and couldn’t be any more excited. My inner geek is flippin’ out!

But I’m also moving physically. I have an apartment in Clermont that I’m moving into tomorrow with a wonderful girl named Meghan. We each get our own room and bathroom, so it’s much nicer than my stint at Vista, which ended up being one of the worst apartment experiences I’ve had, short of my freshman year of college.

Other big changes have happened in my life. Jon and I are no longer dating. We’re still very good friends and he’s flying down tomorrow night to start his own college program. I’m going to help him as best I can, but it doesn’t seem like our future is going to intertwine like we thought it would. But who knows what the future holds? Right now, I’m focusing on finding a second part-time job to help pay for rent and bills (and stupid student loans), working towards losing weight and toning up because I’m giving myself one year to get where I want to be physically so I can go for my personal trainer certification around this time 2016. After that, I’ll be able to move wherever I want to, preferably somewhere colder, so I can start planning for the future.

I’ll try and keep this more updated. It’s just been a very hectic year so far.


Back at Disney

Sorry for the ridiculous hiatus. I was super busy with finishing up college (I’m officially graduated!) and moving down to Disney for my second Disney College Program. I’m very excited for this time around. I’m going to be working Attractions in EPCOT Future World West. No idea what ride(s) yet, but I’ll find out on Tuesday. I have Traditions, our introduction to the Disney company, on Friday, which means I’ll get my ID that day so I can get into the parks for free. I can’t wait!

This time around I’m living in Vista Way, the infamous apartment complex. If you’ve seen Sw00zie’s videos “Confessions of a Disney Employee”, you’ll recognize it. It’s not nearly as nice as Patterson, but I love my roomies and I wouldn’t switch for the world. They’re all wonderful girls and I’m super excited for what this semester is going to bring. We do have one random girl coming in tomorrow, we think, since our last roomie bailed last minute without telling us. So we’re anxious about who she’s going to be.

Jon was with me for a month visiting for Christmas break. It was so nice to see him again. I missed him so much. Sadly he’s already back in Puerto Rico for his last semester of college and I miss him dearly, but we both know this is hopefully the last time we’ll have to spend this long apart ever again. Plus, once he’s done, he should be coming up to Orlando for his own Disney College Program. It was a tearful farewell, but we’re doing alright. Having one semester apart under our belts makes this a bit easier.

I’ll update once there’s more to update on, like which ride I’ll be working at and anything else. Have a magical day!