Dealing with Anxiety and Depression

I don’t know what changed, but something did.

Well first, I got sick. It was something that was going around the office. Nasty virus that eventually turned into a sinus infection. Super fun. But then the ear infection started, and after three rounds of different antibiotics, nothing’s changed. I can hardly hear out of my right ear and although I was doing better with the virus, I’ve started getting worse again. My cough has come back, my nose will still be stuffy from time to time. It’s a nightmare. I’m headed to the ENT doctor tomorrow to see what can be done about my ear.

But that leads to my next big issue. Work. I work in a call center, which means I need to be able to hear and speak. Typing has never been a problem, but I need to hear and sometimes these people have us on speakerphone or are just very quiet. I haven’t been able to work. But it gave me time to realize that I just can’t stand working in the public sector anymore. I’ve hit a big bout of depression, akin to my very first time back during my sophomore year of college. No appetite, I sleep most of the day and when I’m awake, I’m still tired and lethargic. I have no interest in anything, don’t want to leave the house, and I’ve had at least one bad anxiety attack over the whole issue.

It’s not that I don’t want to work. Sure, I can be damned lazy when I want to be, but it’s not just that. Working in the public sector, especially retail and ESPECIALLY sales, makes me anxious and I’m so unhappy. There’s a level of unhappiness I can deal with in my job, but I dread going into work every day. Sure, I have friends there, but when you work in a call center, you hardly see them. I’m in  my own little world for 10+ hours with no access to fun websites (all I ask is for Pinterest, really) and a book. That’s it. And trust me, I love reading, but not when I can hardly finish a page without another call coming in. Quite frustrating.

I want to write and do something that actually makes me happy. I need creativity, I need a freeflow environment. And without it, it’s stifling. So although Disney wasn’t super creative and I was dealing with people (sometimes very NASTY people), it did give me a bit of creativity and being surrounded by such magic helped keep me going every day. Sure, there were plenty of days that I didn’t want to work, but my crew was amazing and we all supported each other and had so much fun on our little boat ride. Star Tours I don’t miss as much (too hot, too crowded) but Living with the Land… I’d go back in a heartbeat. Though trust me, I don’t miss Florida ONE BIT.

Feeling like this for the past week is not only inherintly exhausting, but has drained me even further. I guess I didn’t even wake up to my alarm or Sean waking me up this morning. I got plenty of sleep, but mentally I’m so drained that my body is too.

I know people have it worse than me. Of course. And they’d love to have my job. Sure. But in my unique situation, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Every time I’ve changed jobs, I’ve told myself I would never do retail, and I definitely never thought I’d do sales. But here I am, at the bottom of my personal barrel, trying to find a way out.

So in short, depression and anxiety suck. I’m depressed because I can’t stand my job and I’m anxious because money is a constant worry for us. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And I’m trying to find the best solution for me and for Sean, but it’s tough. The idea of moving back to Virginia near/with my parents has crossed both our minds, as has moving back to Florida so at least I can be close to Disney. I don’t think either are a proper solution, though I’ve entertained both ideas.

Right now it’s time to just get my mental health in order and then work from there. It might not happen tomorrow or next week or next month, but I’ll find something I love to do that can keep us afloat. And hopefully he’ll find a job that works better for him as well. Call center life doesn’t suit us.


Going Back to Disney

It’s official. I’m going back to Disney in January!

I accepted the position a few days ago. While Jon spends his last semester in Puerto Rico, I’ll be working in the most magical place on earth in Attractions, which I’m super excited about. I’m a bit apprehensive. Last time I went with my ex and a few other friends, plus I met my bestest friend ever, Megan. This time I’m going alone and it unnerves me a bit. But I have to keep my head up because I’ve missed Disney so much and it could open doors for a possible career. When I’m down there I’m going to ask about how to get my foot in the door for Disney Hyperion. You know, the same company that publishes Percy Jackson? Yeah, them.

In the meantime, I’ve come down with a nasty case of bronchitis. And it sucks. Thanks to the addition of asthma, I’m having a hard time breathing and it’s making me constantly dizzy and woozy. So all I’m good for right now is to sit down, watch FaceOff, write some, and maybe read a bit later. Basically, I’m a couch potato. A sexy couch potato!


Dealing with Illness

As many will probably notice, I seem to get sick rather often. Usually it’s nothing bad; a sinus infection here, upset stomach there. But for the past four/five days I’ve been dealing with the worst yet. I’ve never felt this bad. Horrendous bloating that causes sharp pain whenever I move plus a fever, muscle aches, etc. I’ve been confined to the couch watching Supernatural for days, barely leaving my apartment except to seek medical help and get my prescriptions.

And I’ll tell you, this is only the second time I’ve gotten something this bad. The first time was 2010/2011 when I caught swine flu. Not fun.

The bloating hurts a lot but it’s gone down, but it’s the achiness, the headaches, and the general shitty feeling that comes with a 100+ fever that is the worst. It takes me so much fidgeting to fall asleep because nothing is comfortable.

Seriously, I haven’t had a decent break for over two weeks. Why me?

Jon had a great idea for treatment that I wish was an actual thing. While we were in the clinic the first time on Saturday night, he joked that it would be awesome if they came back, took me to a secret room filled with puppies, and my treatment was 1000 puppy kisses. People, WHY ISN’T THIS A THING?

Do you know how many people would be down for that? Just lay in a room full of adorable puppies to love on you to make you feel better. Hell, even if it isn’t a medical treatment it should still be a thing to make patients feel better. If college campuses are getting puppy rooms for stressed college kids during finals, why don’t hospitals do it for sad patients? Puppies are the cure for everything.

Someone please bring me a cute fluffy thing soon. I want animal kisses.


Sick in San Juan

Well, looks like Jon got me sick. And it’s a doozy. Whatever it is, cold, mild flu, generic sinus infection, is kicking my butt. Luckily I caught it day one and immediately went to the doctors on campus and got two prescriptions, one of which I know for a fact works for me. I’m on day three of five for meds right now, so hopefully by the end of this I’ll start to feel a heck of a lot better.

Yesterday, despite me feeling like poop we decided to stick with our plans of taking the 3 hour trip to San Juan. We walked around a bit, got piña coladas from the supposed birth place of said drink, and walked to El Morro, the gigantic fortress that sits on San Juan’s northern most tip. Just as it started to rain. We were forced into the porch of the local arts college where it rained for a good half hour before we could escape down the streets to our car.

We split for Outback, telling the city we’d be back when the weather was nice, and had a lovely late lunch. I must say, Outback has downsized their portion without downsizing their prices. I was a bit disappointed. We then proceeded to Plaza Las Americas to do some window shopping and in the end, walked away with a sweet shirt and a spiked hat.

More has happened since last night, but that’s for another post.


Hospital Nightmare

I really should start a nightmare series… I seem to go through them often enough.

I should start out with the fact that I’m fine and Jon’s fine. This wasn’t an emergency visit. It was past 5pm, most doctors offices were closed, and he had a fever to go along with this nasty sickness of his. So, since we missed the student clinic by 5 minutes, we were forced to go to the hospital to get him a prescription for whatever it is he has.

Get there, sign in. Wait. An hour. They check him in. Another hour. They take his vitals, paperwork, whatever. Hour and a half. He’s seen by a doctor. Mind you, at this point it’s around 9pm. We have a Biology exam in the morning that we’ve barely studied  for. Since there’s no Wi-Fi, I can’t really access a lot to do with the presentations, so we’re stuck with what I have. Another hour just for him to get a tiny IV drip of antibiotics.

Seriously, it was around 10pm by the time they took him into the room and got the needle in him. He hated that. We both thought they meant a shot shot, not a needle drip. After 15 minutes it’s done. But he moved his hand in a weird way and blood came out of the pick line in his hand a bit. For those of you who have gone though this before, you know this is normal. Well, come to  find out, Jon is extremely squeemish with his own blood. And when I say squeemish, I mean he nearly turned green and was begging for water and saying that he would feel better if he just threw up, asking me to get a nurse.

Luckily we got out of there a few minutes before 11am, headed to McDonald’s, the only place open so late since we hadn’t eaten since the morning and we were starving, ate, and now he’s passed out next to me on the couch while I’m writing this, finishing my Coke. We’re both waking up early in the morning to study for our exam. And what’s our Bio exam on?

The immune system.