Dealing with Anxiety and Depression

I don’t know what changed, but something did.

Well first, I got sick. It was something that was going around the office. Nasty virus that eventually turned into a sinus infection. Super fun. But then the ear infection started, and after three rounds of different antibiotics, nothing’s changed. I can hardly hear out of my right ear and although I was doing better with the virus, I’ve started getting worse again. My cough has come back, my nose will still be stuffy from time to time. It’s a nightmare. I’m headed to the ENT doctor tomorrow to see what can be done about my ear.

But that leads to my next big issue. Work. I work in a call center, which means I need to be able to hear and speak. Typing has never been a problem, but I need to hear and sometimes these people have us on speakerphone or are just very quiet. I haven’t been able to work. But it gave me time to realize that I just can’t stand working in the public sector anymore. I’ve hit a big bout of depression, akin to my very first time back during my sophomore year of college. No appetite, I sleep most of the day and when I’m awake, I’m still tired and lethargic. I have no interest in anything, don’t want to leave the house, and I’ve had at least one bad anxiety attack over the whole issue.

It’s not that I don’t want to work. Sure, I can be damned lazy when I want to be, but it’s not just that. Working in the public sector, especially retail and ESPECIALLY sales, makes me anxious and I’m so unhappy. There’s a level of unhappiness I can deal with in my job, but I dread going into work every day. Sure, I have friends there, but when you work in a call center, you hardly see them. I’m in ┬ámy own little world for 10+ hours with no access to fun websites (all I ask is for Pinterest, really) and a book. That’s it. And trust me, I love reading, but not when I can hardly finish a page without another call coming in. Quite frustrating.

I want to write and do something that actually makes me happy. I need creativity, I need a freeflow environment. And without it, it’s stifling. So although Disney wasn’t super creative and I was dealing with people (sometimes very NASTY people), it did give me a bit of creativity and being surrounded by such magic helped keep me going every day. Sure, there were plenty of days that I didn’t want to work, but my crew was amazing and we all supported each other and had so much fun on our little boat ride. Star Tours I don’t miss as much (too hot, too crowded) but Living with the Land… I’d go back in a heartbeat. Though trust me, I don’t miss Florida ONE BIT.

Feeling like this for the past week is not only inherintly exhausting, but has drained me even further. I guess I didn’t even wake up to my alarm or Sean waking me up this morning. I got plenty of sleep, but mentally I’m so drained that my body is too.

I know people have it worse than me. Of course. And they’d love to have my job. Sure. But in my unique situation, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Every time I’ve changed jobs, I’ve told myself I would never do retail, and I definitely never thought I’d do sales. But here I am, at the bottom of my personal barrel, trying to find a way out.

So in short, depression and anxiety suck. I’m depressed because I can’t stand my job and I’m anxious because money is a constant worry for us. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And I’m trying to find the best solution for me and for Sean, but it’s tough. The idea of moving back to Virginia near/with my parents has crossed both our minds, as has moving back to Florida so at least I can be close to Disney. I don’t think either are a proper solution, though I’ve entertained both ideas.

Right now it’s time to just get my mental health in order and then work from there. It might not happen tomorrow or next week or next month, but I’ll find something I love to do that can keep us afloat. And hopefully he’ll find a job that works better for him as well. Call center life doesn’t suit us.


Going Back to Disney

It’s official. I’m going back to Disney in January!

I accepted the position a few days ago. While Jon spends his last semester in Puerto Rico, I’ll be working in the most magical place on earth in Attractions, which I’m super excited about. I’m a bit apprehensive. Last time I went with my ex and a few other friends, plus I met my bestest friend ever, Megan. This time I’m going alone and it unnerves me a bit. But I have to keep my head up because I’ve missed Disney so much and it could open doors for a possible career. When I’m down there I’m going to ask about how to get my foot in the door for Disney Hyperion. You know, the same company that publishes Percy Jackson? Yeah, them.

In the meantime, I’ve come down with a nasty case of bronchitis. And it sucks. Thanks to the addition of asthma, I’m having a hard time breathing and it’s making me constantly dizzy and woozy. So all I’m good for right now is to sit down, watch FaceOff, write some, and maybe read a bit later. Basically, I’m a couch potato. A sexy couch potato!


What to do with an English Degree?

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for about a month now as the absolute panic of graduation sets in. I’m done with college in December and the idea of having to find a real, full-time job is terrifying. And with an English degree, what the hell do I do?

Surprisingly, there are more options than I thought. Copywriting, editing, technical writing, publicity, etc. I mean sure, I want to continue writing and the pipe dream is to become a best selling author, but let’s be real here. That’s probably never going to happen. So what do I do instead?

Well, lately I’ve been looking for jobs working with books, namely working in libraries or publishing houses. It’d be really nice and I love books anyways. Win-win! So that’s what I’m working on right now. Fingers crossed.

Other than that, classes. Lots and lots of time spent in this university, in the same building, on the same plush chairs in the lounge area waiting the average three hours between classes. Yeah, this semester is turning out to be a real thriller. </sarcasm>

I recently signed up for fiverr.com at the advice of a lovely redditor knowing that I’m strapped for cash. There I can actually sell my services as a creative writer and get paid, you guessed it, a fiver ($5 for you uncultured swine). If you’d like to request a story (you know you all do), you can find my profile here. Have fun.

If anyone out there just happening to read this works for some sort of book-related industry and totally wants to offer me a job, just leave a comment. A little optimism never hurt, right?


The Start of Something Beautiful

Spring break was an interesting thing for me. I was craving an oldfashioned roleplay, like what I used to do when I was younger. Thankfully, reddit provided and I’ve found some wonderful friends and started an epic roleplay with my new friend Sean. So epic, in fact, that’s it’s spurned me to write a novel about it. I’m seriously proud of this thing and excited to flesh it out and bring it to life.

I’ve spent the last week or so working on it, in fact. I’ve now come up with a fairly decent looking map and started to delve into the history, politics, geography, etc. of this particular world. The RP is providing two of the main characters so the plot will just have to hang on for a while because it could take weeks to get to a point where I feel I can write the novel and not catch up.

I don’t really wanna give out spoilers, but I’m hoping that this won’t be the only novel set in this realm or with some of these characters. And I’m very excited to try my hand at high fantasy. I never had this much gumption on creating a world and working so hard to perfect it. When I reach certain milestones, like the official start of the novel, certain words limits, an interesting factoid, etc. I’ll update this blog with those tidbits, but for now it’ll be secret because I’m paranoid of other people stealing my ideas.

I’ve asked my absolutely wonderful and beautiful bestie Megan to help me make the map something beautiful and not just a pencil scribble on a piece of paper, so thank you so much love. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Also thank you to Sean for being one of the best RP partners I’ve ever had and helping me so much with this story and listening when I want to bitch about how much it sucks to figure out the geography of a fictional continent.

And finally, I want to give the biggest amount of thanks and love to Jon for dealing with the minor neglect while I spend entire days holed up in our bedroom RPing and world building. I love you more than you know and I appreciate everything you do for me.


P.S. I have yet to come up with a name for my continent.

NaNoWriMo Time

Jon and I have recently decided to embark on the most difficult of journeys known as NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. It’s a huge challenge undertaken by hundreds of thousands and acheived by an even smaller group. The point is to write at least 1,667 words a day for a total of 50,000 words by 11:59pm on November 30th, essentially writing a novel.

While the chances of us succeeding aren’t very high, we’re going to try our best. The hardest part about all of this is not only the word limit but also our schedule. We’re dealing with exams, a hell of a lot of papers (we are English majors, after all), as well as trying to fit P90X back into our already hectic schedule. We’ll probably do most of our writing on the weekends, if we aren’t too lazy or busy watching Face Off or Walking Dead.